I have a hard time dealing with "communal grief." Or maybe "community grief" is a better way to describe it. It's almost the same thing you get when a celebrity dies- an outpouring of love and affection from a multitude of people who, in most cases, knew nothing whatsoever about the deceased.
A boy from Rentz was found dead today. He was fishing early Saturday morning and fell out of the boat he was in with a friend. Apparently he had some sort of seizure or episode that led to him falling out of the boat- of course, as is frequently the case in times like this, that could be a creation of the gossip grapevine. On the other hand, one would think if he was sober, healthy, and conscious, he'd have likely managed to get either to the shore or at least back to the boat. At any rate, I wasn't there and will likely never know what actually occurred as the news tends not to get too detailed in cases like this out of respect for the family. I'm sure I'll hear a thousand different stories over the next few days, but who knows what to believe, right?
At any rate, I started thinking Saturday about how weird it was to be having a perfectly normal day when just a few miles away, a family was likely in a blind panic over where their son was. It's sort of the reverse of what you feel when you lose someone- you can't understand how everything just keeps going when it feels like the world's over, or at least irreversibly changed for the worse. I just thought "How can I go on like this, when other people are suffering so much?"
But the truth is, you have to. I can't swim, I can't dive, I don't even have a boat. There was nothing I could do for the boy or his family except to pray- so I prayed. And then I went on with my day. I finally realized if you let every single sadness that every family experiences get to you, you'll go crazy. On the other hand, I can't say I wasn't heartbroken when they found his body. I'm a realist, and I always have been- maybe a little too much, at times. But I couldn't help to cling to that tiny shred of hope that he'd somehow be found alive. I went through the same thing when a lady I worked with lost her son in a drowning accident on Lake Sinclair a few years back. I took it a little personally, in a way I can't quite describe. I guess just hearing people talk about someone in the past tense when there is still a possibility they're alive doesn't seem right- like if enough people believe someone will survive, if enough people don't give up hope, maybe some collective positive energy can will someone to live. Which really sounds a little new-age, I suppose. But it seems much better than writing someone off after some unspecified moment. At what point do you change from "He may still be alive!" to "Well, he's probably dead"?
The truth is, I didn't know the boy- didn't know if he was a fighter, if he was a good kid or a future inmate. And I still don't. I know of his parents. I've spoken to his mother a multitude of times where she works at Rentz City Hall as I was dropping off my mother's perpetually overdue water bill. She's a nice lady- upbeat and never seemed to mind the late bill. Apparently the boy used to work at the grocery store here, so I've certainly seen him around, but he apparently didn't stand out in my mind. In fact, when I heard a boy who worked at Garry's Grocery was missing, I was picturing a completely different person. (Glad I saw a picture, as I'd have probably been a little freaked out if I saw the other boy, thinking it was him.)
The truth is, when I heard he was dead- and for some reason, not until then, I had to find out more about him. I can't explain the psychology behind this, but I searched for mentions of him on Twitter, looked up his profile on Facebook, read all the news articles I hadn't been reading (because the small-town grapevine was keeping me just as well informed as the press was). I don't know if this was some superstitious way of keeping the status-quo in hopes that he'd somehow be found alive. I don't know if it was some subconscious way to justify the grief I felt or if it was something more akin to what the song "Dirty Laundry" suggests- "It's interesting when people die." And that's where my problem with it all begins.
All the news articles, the multitude of posts on his Facebook wall, the mentions on Twitter (there aren't many) suggest he was a good kid who loved hunting and fishing. He appears to have been relatively well liked and popular if his Facebook photos are any indication- lots of friends, mostly other "country" types. Not necessarily "my kind" of people, but not bad people. My mind says "At least he died doing something he loved!" and then another part of my mind says, "But maybe he'd have never fished again if he'd known it would save his life?" He was just a few months from graduating, had probably just attended his senior prom, was probably mapping out his future in one way or another- it doesn't seem fair that it was all gone in a second. For some reason, to me, when a teenager or young adult dies, it's sadder even than when a child or baby dies. In terms of potential, there's so much more there- the glimmer of "what might have been" is much clearer. Admittedly, life never really works out the way we think it will in high school, but there's still so much possibility.
In its place now, there are a hundred Facebook posts. A memorial Facebook group that, in two years time, will never have another post. There will inevitably be stickers praising his memory, passed around amongst family, friends, and eventually mere acquaintances. A yearbook memorial with some poem that's been recycled a hundred times. An honorary diploma at graduation, and hundreds of classmates with tears in their eyes- some of whom probably didn't even like him.
Still, they are entitled to their grief- much more so than I ever will be. Like I said, I didn't even know him. But it seems, so often, that grief, especially amongst younger people, becomes this almost-comic display of one-upmanship. "My grief is bigger than yours, see? I made t-shirts." And I don't understand it. I don't understand those ridiculous #3 stickers in people's back windows, the hundreds of "In Memory Of" window clings that make their way up and down the streets here every day. If you really loved someone, if you really cared... Those things wouldn't mean anything. Your love and memories wouldn't need to be aired in a public forum, for a world of strangers to see. Grief, like love, should be private. I won't say it shouldn't be discussed, amongst people who know that grief themselves, who can fully appreciate what it means. Or amongst people who care about you, and therefore your grief. Still, I can't help feeling this boy's life should be celebrated- not reduced to a bumper sticker and a catchphrase. Not to a roll-call of over-dramatized sentiment on an electronic forum that he will never see. I do believe in heaven, but I don't think the dead are worrying themselves about their Facebook pages anymore. Maybe it's just me.
And maybe it comes off like this is the same thing, but I hope not. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm pretending to have some insurmountable fount of sadness- the situation isn't fair, and I don't know why it ever has to happen, that's all. I would never presume to suggest my grief is important in the face of what those who are close to him are going through, not for a second. If you're reading this and willing, whoever you are, send up a prayer for this boy's family. I'm sure they'll need it not just now, but for months and years to come.

Now, as promised, let's look at how well these apply to the psycho-sisters as I like to call them. (I actually prefer "psychobitches," but hey.)

1. Deception. For people who claim to be such good Christians, they're damned good liars. They both have a huge penchant for pretending to be people they aren't to try to dupe members of the opposite sex. My biggest mistake was getting involved in such schemes with them, at times. They've also spread lies and half-truths about me to many of our mutual acquaintances and even members of MY family. That's pretty damned low. And well... there's the fact that they pretended to be my friends while bad-mouthing and otherwise talking bad about me. That's a lie to me.


2. Egocentricity. The oldest is about the most egocentric person I know. She has this strange idea in her head that she's this unnatural beauty that gives her some overt power over the rest of humanity. I can't count the number of times she's thought men were flirting with her when clearly they were just being polite. She goes on these tears about certain parts of her body being great or above average in appearance. When last we were speaking, she was constantly going on ad nauseum about her "insanely long legs." Our legs are about the same height (mine are just slightly longer) and because I'm taller than her, she has it in her head that she has these ridiculously long sexy legs when, in reality, I just have an insanely long torso. (Not that having a long torso is anything to be smug about. I'd rather have long legs if I had the choice.) I wear average jeans and sometimes, they're a little long on me- because our legs are the same length, she, no doubt, has the same problem. People with truly long legs have to wear tall pants. If she wore tall pants, they wouldn't just drag the ground, they'd puddle around her ankles. She can't pass by a mirror without stopping to admire herself ceaselessly, and furthermore, she readily admits that she's obsessed with her appearance. Her own mother used to sing her "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon because... well, she was just that damned vain. And I know from complaints I've heard that it hasn't gotten any better.
The youngest's egotism has more to do with her incessant need that all attention be focused on her. She has a constant desire to overdramatize how horrible her life is and how she's so fat and ugly to get attention and praise from people who are willing to coddle her and make her feel better. I used to be one of those people, so I know this to be true. She never, not once, wanted to discuss my concerns or problems and if I tried to bring them up at any time, she would either change the subject or wheedle the conversation back around to herself and her problems.

3. Impulsiveness, irresponsibility, lack of foresight. Wow. The oldest one demonstrates this one better, too. Immediately, I think of the two weeks she dated a serious alcoholic when she was rebounding from her break-up with her boyfriend. Or the four or five random old guys she "dated" on the internet who she decided out the blue she was going to go visit. And who, if I hadn't stopped her, I'm sure she would have. Or when she decided, two weeks before the semester was over, that she was leaving school, leaving me without a roommate. For that matter, her marriage was actually relatively impulsive, if you want the truth. A year is hardly long enough to know someone well enough to decide to spend the rest of your life with them. After all, I've known her for fifteen years, and if you'd asked me even five years ago, I'd have said we'd be friends for life. I had no idea how batshit crazy she was. I'm sure her poor husband didn't either. Though I'm sure the fact that he's afraid of her doesn't let him express his dismay very often. The youngest's moodswings and imbpulsiveness were less dangerous- she'd decide she wasn't going to go somewhere, then five minutes later, change her mind, usually based on how her obsessions with various men were going at the moment.

Factor 1

Aggressive narcissism

1. Glibness/superficial charm - The youngest's sugary sweet display in the grocery store immediately after the initial disagreement took place is a good example here. You can't get much more insincere than that.
   
2. Grandiose sense of self-worth- Think I've covered that.
   
3. Pathological lying- This too. Their lies are usually more ones of omission than outright lies, but they're lies nonetheless.
   
4. Cunning/manipulative- See the section on lying. Creating pretend people to coerce men to reveal things about themselves repeatedly... That's pretty manipulative. Or constantly requiring apologies for imagined or created wrongs simply to elicit control over their relationships. I will never forget when I'd lost a lot of weight, the oldest got really jealous and began claiming I was belittling her to a mutual friend when I never had. It turned out she'd (likely intentionally) taken something I said about not wanting to eat fattening food as a personal attack on her for wanting to do such. She even threatened me with physical violence when I refused to apologize for this.
   
5. Lack of remorse or guilt- Well, I've yet to receive an apology for the ways I was mistreated, so I'd have to say this one's pretty clear. In fact, I can't think of three times in the entirety of our friendships that either of them has apologized to me. Yet they both regularly expect apologies for imagined wrongs and slights. Even in their disagreements with one another, they rarely apologize to one another, they just argue until they get bored with it.
   
6. Callous/lack of empathy- They are literally both incapable of seeing anyone's viewpoint other than their own. When I tried to explain why I was so upset, the oldest one essentially called me crazy and made up a long list of ways she imagined that I was having psychological issues, each of which I immediately and systematically debunked. I even asked for her to please list specific instances to demonstrate the claims she was making. Instead of trying to give some sort of evidence for her ill-conceived notions, she simply stopped talking to me altogether. I haven't spoken with her sense. Also, neither of them cries with anything like frequency. If they do, it's because they aren't getting their way and not because they're displaying genuine emotion about another human being. When their grandmother died, I was at the funeral, crying right along with them. When my grandmother died, neither of them attended the funeral or even so much as sent flowers.
7. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions- Again, the argument that disrupted our friendship is a good example. How the both of them can continue to preach their holiness and righteousness when they can't apologize or accept fault for their wrongdoings is beyond me. Again, I apologized for my part in all this over a year ago! I could also site the youngest's failed relationship with JB Lynn, which, I learned later, she blamed on me behind my back. Or the oldest's reluctance to get rid of her alcoholic friend, instead relying on our mutual friend to do so, only after he'd spilled beer all over her car and called her names.
   

Factor 2

Socially deviant lifestyle

1. Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom- I am told by a reliable source that the eldest is constantly updating her social networking statuses. I also know the youngest has a mild obsession with video games and internet dating sites.
   
2. Parasitic lifestyle- Well, I was told the youngest has now moved in with the oldest. Neither allows the other to fight her own battles and they join together in this crazed symbiotic weirdness. They never do anything apart, and it's actually borderline creepy. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that the youngest shares the marriage bed with the oldest and her husband- it's that... disturbing.
   
3. Promiscuous sexual behavior- Both are huge fans of cybersex and have frequently informed me thusly. Though I have no proof, I suspect the oldest has had extramarital flirtations with strange men on the internet. I also suspect the oldest engaged in some sexual behavior before her marriage, if not actual intercourse. Both sent nude photos to more than one man over the internet. While this is hardly what the general populace would consider "promiscuous," for anyone who claims to be as Godly and holy as these two, it's really pretty suspect.
   
4. Lack of realistic, long-term goals- I honestly can't comment on this except to say that, last I heard the oldest intended to go back to school to avoid having to look for work. I have no idea what, if any, long term goals either of them possesses.
   
5. Impulsiveness- Already discussed
   
6. Irresponsibility- Again, already discussed
   
7. Juvenile delinquency- I know the oldest, at least, stole in her youth. She admitted as much to me.
   
8. Early behavioral problems- See above.

Traits not correlated with either factor

1. Many short-term marital relationships- Not yet. I suspect the poor husband will eventually become so weighed down by the oldest's psychoses that it will lead to divorce, but so far, he's managed to hold on.
   
2. Criminal versatility- Though they haven't done anything I've known to be specifically criminal, I wouldn't put it past either of them. They both have irrational tempers.
   

As for the violence associated with sociopathy, the oldest regularly throws tantrums, has thrown a baseball bat at and aimed a gun at her mother-in-law.


Clearly, they're projecting- another thing they're good at. When their own psychoses began to make them question their societal "normalcy," they project incorrect or imagined behaviors onto other people to make them feel better about their own mental instabilities. Diagnostically, I have no idea what mental disorder that represents, I only know it isn't normal and deserves treatment

So, after I confided in a mutual friend that I believe I've figured out why my former friends are unable to apologize to me, she confided something in me. See, I believe the two sisters are both suffering from psychopathia, or at the very least, are sociopaths. The diagnosis mostly fits them both, though admittedly, it presents in different ways in the two of them. Apparently, according to our friend, the two of them had reached the same consensus about me. I couldn't help but laugh, but I decided to compare myself against the symptoms exhibited by psychopaths to further illustrate my points.

1. Deception. Really? I've always been honest, perhaps to a fault. Admittedly, I'm as prone as anyone tell a "little white lie" to save someone's feelings, but I'm painfully honest and open about everything. One need only consult my blogs, my twitter, or any of the numerous other ways I express myself to realize that I'm about as open as it gets. And it's not just online. I can't count the number of times I've been at work, and a boss or co-worker has been annoyed about something that was done wrong and I've said "I did that. I'm sorry" to prevent someone else getting the blame. If my parents ask me something, I'm point blank about what I did, what I'm going to do, etc. Clearly, this symptom doesn't fit me.

2. Egocentricity. Again, really? I'm well known for my self-deprecating sense of humor. I'm selfless to a fault, constantly buying gifts or giving my time to others, even when I don't have money. One Christmas, I was low on funds, so I asked my father for the money that would've bought my gifts and used it to buy for my friends and family. If someone is selling something or just asks for money, if I have it, I give it to them.That's just how I am, and how I've always been. If this is selfish or egocentric in any way, I can hardly figure out how. I am confident in my abilities in some things, but I think that's true of anyone.

3. Impulsiveness, irresponsibility, lack of foresight. I've been out of work for a year and a half. I've applied to every job I was capable of performing. I took the first one I was offered. I have intended to go back to school, and while I'm not employed is about the best time I can think of to go, but I haven't gone back, even though I was accepted at three different schools. The reason I haven't gone back? I don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm so afraid of going back to school and putting even more time and money into a degree that I'll later realize I won't enjoy, that I've stalled going back, taking any job I could so that I could have more time to make a decision. I've prayed, read, researched payscales, and prayed some more, trying to develop a clear insight of what I really wanted to do with my life. Have I EVER done anything impulsive? Of course. Who hasn't? But on the whole, I've been a planner my whole life. I plan vacations, I make budgets, I have an entire file on my computer devoted to my future wedding. I fail to see how any of this demonstrates impulsivity.

Wikipedia has three checklists. Two of them are nearly identical, so I'll only use the more detailed one for further analysis.

Factor 1

Aggressive narcissism

1. Glibness/superficial charm - I'm never glib. If I can't sincerely say something, I don't say it. To me, this goes back to lying.
   
2. Grandiose sense of self-worth- See above. A person with a "grandiose sense of self worth" hardly suffers from chronic depression.
   
3. Pathological lying- Again, see above. I'm about as honest as it gets.
   
4. Cunning/manipulative- I rarely get my way. I'd think if I were very cunning or manipulative, I'd be a lot better at that.
   
5. Lack of remorse or guilt- When I've actually done something wrong, I'm very quick. to apologize. See the instance above about coworkers. If I do something wrong to a friend or family member, I frequently feel so bad I cry, then go out of my way to make it up to them.
   
6. Callous/lack of empathy- Hardly. People constantly tell me their problems. The two sisters have done this so much in the past, I could easily recite their life stories. I assume this is because they realize I can really understand and feel what they're going through, and as such, sympathize. If I wasn't so good at that, I hardly think I'd have become involved in so many people's lives. I also cry at the drop of a hat. I'm a very emotional person, and I always have been. The fact that I am still angry at the two of them after all this time should pretty much make that clear. Psychopaths don't care. If I didn't care, it wouldn't still bother me so much.
   
7. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions- Again, this sort of goes with lying and lack of remorse. When the younger sister and I had the argument that started this, I was the first to apologize, almost immediately. And in spite of the fact that she refused to do so. Again, please explain how this constitutes a failure to accept responsibility.

Factor 2

Socially deviant lifestyle

1. Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom- I spent nearly a year at home with nothing but dial-up internet and some books. I kept myself entertained pretty damned well.
   
2. Parasitic lifestyle- I have no idea how this could in any way apply to me. My parents pay for my cell phone bill and car insurance. I buy all my gas, most of the groceries for the whole household, all my clothes and meals out or any other form of entertainment. As soon as I am able to get a stable, decent-paying job (and again, I apply for every single job I can find. I don't think anyone who lived here would argue that my inability to find a job has more to do with the economy than me enjoying leaching off my parents), I intend to move out and take over my own bills.
   
3. Promiscuous sexual behavior- HAHAHA. I'm nearly 29 years old, and I'm virgin. And by virgin, I mean I have done absolutely nothing sexual whatsoever. At all.
   
4. Lack of realistic, long-term goals- I want to get a job so I can afford to get a degree. I want to obtain a degree in which I can find a decent paying job short-term (most likely in education) until I can realize my long term goal of getting a PhD in creative writing. I eventually want to move to North Georgia. I'd also like to meet a decent, kind and intelligent man and get married.
   
5. Impulsiveness- Already discussed
   
6. Irresponsibility- Again, already discussed
   
7. Juvenile delinquency- I was a model student. I was even an honor student. I have never stolen, hurt anyone, or been in any sort of criminal trouble at all. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I've never touched a drug. I'm about as straight laced as it gets.
   
8. Early behavioral problems- See above.

Traits not correlated with either factor

1. Many short-term marital relationships- Never been married, don't even date people long if I don't see the relationship going anywhere.
   
2. Criminal versatility- There's nothing whatsoever criminal about me.

The symptoms of sociopathy are essentially the same, though there's the added caveat of potential to be violent. If I were a violent person, I'd have already bitch slapped both of them, so I think that in and of itself is proof that I'm not.

In my next post, I will describe how all these traits do, in fact, apply to the sisters, but for now, I have other things to do.