What I REALLY Meant...

This is regarding an e-mail I sent to a friend, so I doubt anyone else who might be reading this would have any interest. 

I'm not sure why you're trying to be so non-specific and vague in response to my text and email. I was really only mentioning it as a matter of curiosity. In case you and your friends haven't figured it out, I bear no ill will towards them. I did for a long time, but I understand now that they were going through a rough patch, and so was I, and we just couldn't stand one another anymore. That's how it happens sometimes. People grow out of one another, take offense at things that aren't offensive, and treat other people badly. It's just the way of life. We ain't perfect.

As for working in a prison, I wasn't asking if she enjoyed it, I was merely mentioning that it seemed a little scary, and that I wondered how she'd ended up there. I think we both know she doesn't "just enjoy working with prisoners." Have you been in a prison? I have. I did interview for a job at a prison once, not long before I started at my current job. When it came the part of the interview where the guy asked me if he thought all the rules and guidelines were things I could handle, I said I wasn't sure, that I'd have to think about them and call back. I never did. You're surrounded by razorwire and fences. Every door locks behind you. You're not allowed to bring in personal possessions because those could be used by a prisoner to hurt you or someone else. When you go into the building, you have to take off your shoes and run them through an x-ray machine. Every. Single. Time. If the prison goes on lockdown, which it does with surprising frequency (it had literally happened the week before my interview, which happened to be at the same prison she's working at) you're stuck there. Nobody can leave. Not to mention the danger.

The thing is, she's just like every other adult in the world. We all do what we have to do to survive. I don't love my job, I'm sure you'd rather be using your degree for your day job instead of working in something that has nothing to do with your field. Very few grown ups get to have jobs they enjoy. If she does "just enjoy" it, good for her. I'd say she's doing better than I am by default because she has her degree instead of still waiting to have enough money to be able to go back and get it. The fact that there are no jobs in her field (and I know this because the friend who told me about her job couldn't find one, and she has teaching experience and a degree) is probably the one and only reason she's doing what she's doing. In my mind, I'm not going "Haha, she works in a prison. Her life sucks, I feel validated." I'm going, "That's a crappy job. I'm glad I'm not doing that."

If I really bore her any ill will, I wouldn't have told my friend she was a sweet girl and that I thought they'd get along because they both love poetry and literature. I'd have told her she was psycho and she should probably stay far away. But I didn't. And I have the text messages to prove it, if you ever want to see them. And I wouldn't have gone out of my way to contact her sister when her husband was ill and have constantly prayed for them both during the whole ordeal. I wouldn't have bought them a card or cupcakes, or any of that. Particularly since I didn't have that much money at that time since I was on leave. You say you don't really talk to them anymore, and I believed you. But if you do, I don't care. It doesn't make me feel betrayed or hurt my feelings. You were friends with them before, just like I was. If you're trying to "protect" them from me for some strange reason, I think we both know I'm not a danger to them or anyone else. As for what I think about them, telling me she enjoys what she does doesn't make me think she really does, but it doesn't make me feel a giddy sense of happiness that her job sucks more than mine. It probably just sucks on different levels, and mine still sucks. And hers probably pays more- if she's doing the same thing my friend from college is doing, anyway.

I'm not angry at you, I just don't know why you decided to change the subject or basically repeat back to me what I was saying when I brought it up. Maybe they've asked you not to discuss them with me. If that's the case, you can tell me so, but I really don't know why they would do this NOW since I've pretty much let them know I still care about them and don't wish them any ill will. (Well, the oldest moreso. I haven't had any contact with the youngest.)

I do want to say this, and I haven't brought it up to you in person, because I don't want it to seem like I'm beating a dead horse, but I continue to get those hang up phone calls every month. That is, I've got them every month except March and April. If you need me to explain why that's suspicious, I'd like to remind you that's when the oldest's husband was in the hospital. I'm sure they can provide proof the calls weren't made from their cell phones, but I just find it odd how they stopped those two months, and only those two months. I also find it odd that originally, the calls only came on days when I saw them in public somewhere, and not just at the end of every month. I can provide a copy of my inbound and outbound calls from my cell phone carrier in case there's any question about this. My mother and father can also both attest that the calls come when I'm sitting in the room with them, not even touching my phone. I'm sure you realize I have no reason to lie about it, but I just want you to know I have proof. Unfortunately, my cell phone carrier doesn't have any way for me to find out who's making the calls. There are apps that will show the number the call's coming from, but only on Verizon or Sprint- Alltel is about the only company that you literally cannot find out who is calling you if the number is blocked, and neither can law enforcement. I'm sure whomever is making the calls has done their research and knows that as well.

In spite of my belief that someone involved with them has something to do with those calls, even if it isn't one of them, I still don't bear them any ill will. Best of luck to them. Maybe one day we'll all be able to be friends again, even, in the distant future, after we've all done some growing up. I didn't say this to you right then because I needed some time to think about it, and the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me and made me feel like you were trying to evade anything I said about it, and I just couldn't come up with any logical reason why you would. It kind of made me feel like you were suspicious of me for some reason. Maybe that's not the case, I just felt kind of hurt by it. You might never read this- I don't even know if you know where this blog is, but I just wanted to get it out, because my feelings were kind of hurt. If you really do think I was using your injury as a reason to start gossiping about them... Well, I just hope you know me better than that. Like I said, I'd been talking to my college friend about it at the same time I was texting you.


And I'm not using anyone's names because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm invading anyone's privacy.